I’ve been earnestly job searching for over a year now. Everyone says the best way to get a job, is to be IN a job. It pays my bills, but that’s about it. There are things I would love to have extra money to spend on, like, for example, a visit to the doctors.

I can’t afford to go to the doctor. Instead I just google my ailments and pray they cure themselves. I just don’t have the extra 50 euros to go for a visit. Plus the medication on top of that.

Then there’s my foot, which I think has a verucca? Not sure, but its sore as fuck. That needs to be treated asap, again I just don’t have the money to cover the bills.

Then there’s the credit card, which hasn’t been used since last April, for a trip that I couldn’t go, cause my grandmother got sick. Still attempting to pay off that, with 50 euros a month.

And my poor car. My poor poor car needs new tyres like you wouldn’t believe. It also desperately needs a service. The car barely sputters to life.

And now I have rent to pay on my new house. 500 smackers a month.

I can’t survive on my current wage, which is next to nothing. Yes I’m moaning, but its my blog and I’m allowed to.

I’m just trying to highlight how important it is for me to gain full-time employment. And yes I’ve given up on the library dream, but I want to work in areas where I can later bring relevant skills back to the library workplace when jobs do eventually reappear. So, me working as a telemarketer just isn’t a possibility. There are no skills which I can bring back to my hopefully future employment, and I personally would see it as extremely detrimental to my career.

Depressing doesn’t even begin to describe what you feel when you spend a couple of hours working on your CV and cover letter and don’t even get a PFO {please fuck off} letter from the employer.

You check your emails every few minutes, in case someone, anyone, wants to offer you a job interview. Sometimes you get lucky and you get an interview, but most times than not, you don’t even get a response.

So you keep on searching, day after day. Losing a bit more of yourself in the process. You get jaded. You then realise that maybe its just not mean’t to be. You were never supposed to have the career of your dreams. That maybe you just say ‘fuck it’ and go work in a dreary office doing the most horrendously boring job on the planet, purely because it pays the bills.

And thats what depresses me the most. Being stuck in a job I hate but knowing I can’t leave because I squandered years and time doing a job that pays my rent and gaining nothing but misery and heartache.

And as a woman I feel this huge amount of pressure. Its like a pressure cooker. You leave college, you get a job, work steadily and gain a few pay rises. Meet a man, marry, have a baby and the career is suddenly put on temporary hold. But you’re also expected to own your own home. Have 2 nice holidays a year. Have a good car.

So many bloody expectations. And I hate it. But I also desire it too. I want to have the family and the house and the holidays. But I want to be successful too. But maybe herein lies my problem, I want it all.

But currently I have none of those things. And I feel like I’m disappointing myself. Whereas my late 20s should be about exploration and growing up, jetting off for mini weekend breaks here and there and having a savings account – Instead I have nothing.

So this is my plea.

Please universe, conspire and help me. I’m selfishly asking you to find some employer to hire me. To choose me. I want you to help me find a reason to start living again. A reason to enjoy my life and to give me opportunities to do so much more. Please choose someone/anyone to give me a full-time job. Please!